This day has not been easy. It was the day I moved all of my furniture and other belongings out of the midwifery office I shared with my partner until a few months ago. When moving things out of a space, it is inevitable that you will find yourself thinking of the time spent moving them into a space. Different times, different emotions, and there is just never any accurate way of predicting when you are doing one thing what you will feel like when you are on the other side of the world from that moment.
They were all purchased and moved into place with the best of intentions from everyone involved. It was a time of hope and love and excitement. And then, today, such a relatively short time later, was a time of almost crushing sadness. As I was trying to hold it together and get it all done, a friend put her arms around me and said, "You can cry, you know. It's kind of a big deal."
I said, "I'll cry when we're done. I can't fall apart until it's over."
Such is life.
Sometimes I feel like I am always just chasing after that elusive safe space where I am able to fully feel my feelings, and I never quite arrive. It is never the right time or the right place, or there is just one more thing that needs to get done first.
Painful. But it is a reminder that I still have the blessing of life, and all of the joys and heartaches that go along with the privilege, and it is indeed a privilege...
I am grateful for the opportunity. The opportunity to love. The opportunity to be hurt. The opportunity to hope. The opportunity to momentarily lose hope. The opportunity to feel it all. The opportunity to shut down to feeling any of it. The opportunity to get stuck in a moment. The opportunity to move on, however swiftly or reluctantly.
to my life.
to your life.
to the life of all sentient beings.