Monday, November 14, 2011

The Happy Ending Illusion

This will not end happily. That's not how it works. Things don't end happily ever after, ever. We tend to not end things while they are going happily along, and if something is going in such a way that it makes us happy, and it ends without our input, well, how happy are we going to be?

If, at one time, we had enough love or desire or delusion to begin something in the first place, its ending is probably going to be anything but...

happy.

I am making peace with the unhappy ending.

The only sort there is. The real sort. It isn't a peace that is easy and dreamy and deep breaths that leave me feeling that all is right with the world.

It isn't easy. It sucks. I constantly feel like I have a crying hangover, even when I haven't been crying. And it is exhausting. The big, deep breaths are ragged and catch in my throat. But it's okay. I can tell that I'm still breathing.

 I am taking the advice of someone who truly loves me, and I am reminding myself that the story is just the story. I am going for walks. And sitting. And living my life by a timer. Right now, set in fifteen minute intervals, because I can do anything for fifteen minutes, but in this current state, I know I can't do much more. Maybe next week I will be ready to move up to twenty minute intervals.

I may not like the ending of this chapter, but I am finally realizing that I can take back my pen.

2 comments:

  1. shit, even the ending is an illusion - 15 minutes is a great idea...I think MY crying-hangover-breathing could use a finite amount of time to heave into too. Naima

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  2. I am always so grateful to read what you have written.

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